By: Lee Zimmerman
Dateline Calgary ~ Green Fool Dean Allen Bareham marries Green Fool Shelley Something Carrol on the 28th of June with about ohh, I dunno…what am I, an accountant? Like…like 60 people in attendance. Fellow Fool Jenny Esdale was there, looking great with her perfect, perfect, look like they were sent from Central Casting children. The truly hilarious Eric Amber was also there, taking photos in the lobby. Strangely enough, Gustavo was a no-show. I don’t think he likes Dean very much, because he’s never around when Dea – hey!
And, I was there. Wouldn’t have missed it for the world, but just blown away when I was invited to be in the wedding party. Let’s hope I don’t screw up!
The ceremony was held at the Green Fools’ new studio space right on their totally groovy new stage. It’s not a “hey look, we could put a stage in here!” stage, it’s a real “can’t wait to see what they do with this stage” stage. And not just a ceremony, it was a really cool, casual little production. A really nice altar, great lighting design, excellent pre-game music; a little Stevie, some Frank, Holly Cole Trio. The wedding party was gathered up behind the curtain, just spinning our wheels, laughing, waiting on the bride backstage. Dean and Shelley had actually done the whole “groom not seeing the bride before the ceremony” thing and if she meant to make a dramatic entrance, she did not disappoint.
It’s dark back there of course, and then boom! Door swings wide with a blast of sunlight, revealing the bride in white, shimmering back lit blonde hair. Pret-ty great entrance. If you’ve ever met Shelley, then you know she’s packing some serious milk wagons. Hey, now! And she has this thing for skulls so her gown was just covered in them, little hand-stitched skulls. Very intricate, very cool, her dress really featuring those two mighty love bongos. She looked just great, very pretty, wedding day radiant, waiting on her musical cue.
Now, we’re all set. Deano’s out on stage in front of the altar, wearing full black tux and tails, shoe mirror shoes. Full-on Cary Grant…who was a reputed homosexual. Just kidding. He looked great, all polish and mojo. He had pre-produced a brief musical montage to kick it all off. After a humorous little vamp, the song cuts off and breaks into James Brown singing, “Baby, Baby, Baby!,” Dean’s pre-recorded voice comes up and introduces the wedding party one by one, a la game show host. Little jokes for each one, like his brother Danny’s was “Dean’s brother from the SAME mother, Daniel Bareham!” His daughter’s was, “Dean’s daughter, who he’s known since she was sixteen, Lisa Jones!” Very amusing.
Five groomsmen danced/escorted the five pretty bridesmaids out to the stage and it was cool because each of the couples were wearing different matching colors. One couple was in red, one in teal…blue…orange. Older brother Darwin, which is an hilarious name for that guy if you’ve ever met him, because he makes you doubt the theory of evolution, Darwin was right next to me. He’s a big bear kinda guy with a giant walrus mustache.
Just a huge heart with feet, uncomfortably over-sentimental. None of the gentlemen wore jackets, just vests. He’s wearing a red vest, red tie, black pants and white shirt. His corresponding hot bridesmaid wore the same red. I was assigned Prince Purple and so was my funny, funny, God she was funny counterpart bridesmaid, Amy. She’s really pretty, a little short and was sporting some pretty impressive cleavage, as well. She busted me for gawking, looked up smiling and said, “I like to help the tall people!”
Dean was hoping we’d each kinda dance out to the stage and Amy did, but I choked. I can dance and I didn’t. Granted, it’s the Whitey Dance, but it’s still a dance! I just sorta moseyed on out there. I coulda been funny at the very least, but instead I went with my impression of a what normal person would do in this situation, which I suck at.
Fred the Clergy Dude did his thing in like, two minutes. There was no religion at all, no Buddha, no Allah, no Jebus, no Santa, no nothing. Just love talk. The whole ceremony only took about ten minutes, tops. Thank you, newly wedded Mr. and Mrs. Bareham!
They looked sooo happy. You could get diabetes, it was so sweet. I didn’t want to look like a dork, but yeah, I cried. Not my fault. Walrus Brother Dar started tearing up as I’m trying to look over his shoulder at the happy couple. And it wasn’t like a little tear falling kind of cry, it was the whole soaking wet under the eyes deal, like his whole face was leaking. Even Deano’s voice cracked a little when they did the vows thing. Not Shelley. She’s just digging it the most baby, beaming back at Deano. Big finish, big kiss…a real “Carpenters – We’ve Only Just Begun” kinda kiss. Looking out from the stage and into the audience all we could see were happy faces. Off to the reception.
I don’t know wedding traditions, but Shelley’s mom and the bridesmaids surely did. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to be asked to speech it up but, it was an ‘of course you have to make a speech, you moron, you’re in the wedding party groomsman make a speech and make it good’ situation.
All the bridesmaid’s speeches were pretty emotional and none of them, not one of them, were sappy or seemed like they went on for fucking ever….not one. For me, this part of the ceremony just flew by, feeling nothing like an eternity…uhhnn.
Just kidding. They were all having a great time, and more importantly, so was the beautiful bride. Dean just sat there with the biggest smile on his face, holding her hands. Once again, Amy was great, very amusing. And Deano’s mum looked beautiful, so proud and happy as she spoke. Then Shelley’s mom gave a very funny speech, off the cuff, very bubbly. She had done all the décor for the wedding and reception and she’s a real talent, like her daughter, but man, oh man. Never stopped the whole day, making sure that the occasion followed all the traditional wedding dos and don’ts no matter HOW theater and unique it was. I was mighty impressed by that woman all the way from setting up the reception to sorting out the kitchen and the caterers, helping to make them happen even though they were more than an hour late. They were instantly forgiven though, when they brought in the star of the night, a spectacular roasted pig. Brisket, chops, ribs. Unbelievable. Off the charts delicious.
Now the groomsmen are supposed to give their speeches and Darwin, the enormous Walrus Man, is introduced as the older brother we would not hear from until the end. Renee, Dean’s totally awesomepants fun sister, who did a great job of hosting the whole reception made it perfectly clear: this guy’s speech was expected to be rough going. It will be delivered LAST. He just smiled, shrugged and laughed. He was absolutely at ease with this characterization, which was hilarious to me. I go up and I was more sentimental than usual, less amusing than I could have been but, they seemed to like it. I couldn’t help myself. They just looked so happy and I was so honored to be a part of it all that I set myself on ‘pretend normal’… which I suck at. I finish and then Dean’s very cool brother Daniel goes up and gives a really nice speech. Next up, his daughter, Lisa. She looked just fantastic, talking about how happy she was to be a part of the Bareham family. It was very moving. And then the wind-up. Renee says, “Okay, here we go.”
The Hindenburg approaches Lakehurst.
Darwin strolls up to the mic and you can feel allll the Bareham’s bare hams clench up. He was expected to be scary. He delivered.
He’d been yelling out all through the meal about how much he loved the catering…”Meat!” Every like, three minutes, he’d yell out randomly, “Meat! This is really good MEAT!!!” He mighta shut up about it, but I couldn’t stop laughing whenever he did it. So, he takes the mic in his hand and starts going on and on about how great the food is, just blathering on in no particular direction when he mentions that “this may be the last time they all gathered up as a family because, you know ~ DEATH.” That word just hung there in space and the air got sucked up out of the room. Gasp! Then he did it again, “Well, what can ya say? Death! What? It’s true!” Oh, the humanity! After every speech, you walked over and got your hug from the brand new Mr. and Mrs., but this time, they didn’t even wait to see where this was going. Shelley and Dean just launched up, scooted behind me and the other groomspeople and the two of them hug/loved/tackled Darwin away from the mic…”Yayyy! We love you! Thanks Dar!!”
Fucking guy didn’t need a mic, he just keeps yelling out awful, inappropriate remarks. I was killing myself! On an hysterically rude scale of one to ten, one being farting into the microphone and ten being this, this was truly HILARIOUS. I was choking on my “Meat!!”
A beautiful day, a wonderful wedding. If romance were a meal, this was quite the banquet.